Category Archives: body image

Lifting and the letter C

I was loving the AC at the gym this morning. Plus, there was a fan on near where I was lifting and I enjoyed the cool breeze as well. Gotta appreciate the little things in this heat!

Exercise Set/rep/weight
1. Plank with alternate arm/leg reach 2 sets of 10 each side
2. Complex: Deadlift, High Pull, Push Press, Reverse Lunge 4 sets of 8 each exercise with 20# bar
3A. Bulgarian Split Deadlift 3 sets of 10 with 15# DBs
3B. Single Arm Chest Press on ball 3 sets of 10 with 20# DB
3C. Back Squat 3 sets of 10 with 65# bar
3D. Chinups 3 sets of 10 with assistance

One more workout to be finished with FBB.  So glad to get the sweaty workout done early on what is the hottest/humidest (new word?) day thus far.  Today was one of those times when I felt like a hulk at the gym.

I kinda like this classic Nike ad lately:

If the image is too small, this is the text

My butt is big and round like the letter C and 10,000  lunges (squats for me) have made it rounder but not smaller. And that’s just fine. It’s a space heater for my side of the bed. It’s my ambassador. To those who walk behind me, it’s a border collie that herds skinny women away from the best deals at clothing sales. My butt is big and that’s just fine. And those who might scorn it are invited to kiss it.

 

Not quite a C, but good enough.

My mental practice has been to really try accepting the now as wonderful, even as I work to continue to make it better.

Came home to some cold-brewed coffee and I really had a hankering for oats,  just not the heat.  So I made up some banana custard oats and let them sit to room temp.   :mrgreen:

It’s been a bit frustrating at work this week.  Of course, the heat makes dealing with that stuff harder because of the cranky factor.  Is it only Tuesday?

I was ready for lunch.  I was not super hot as of this time, so I had more of a dinner style lunch with a turkey burger.

I crave hot sauce in the summer and I think it must be the salt I am craving from sweating.

I came up for air while working for an iced latte and limited myself to just one pineapple piece.

This is how the latte looks before I stir in the espresso.  Fun!

I knew with the heat that I wouldn’t be too hungry this evening, so I had made up some apple topping ahead of time to have with some nice cold Fage for dinner.

We decided it would be a good night to walk up the street for a little ice cream after dinner.  It was still 94 degrees out!  Eeek!

I mentioned this on Facebook, but I will say it here.  Remember the kitty that has been sleeping in garden? The other day I said if she came back I was going to name her Lily because she was sleeping in the lily patch.

John said “Don’t name the cat.”  Strong emphasis.  Okay, fine…  🙄

Tonight as we came outside, John said “There’s Lily” –   :mrgreen:

My cone this evening:

Raspberry/vanilla twist.

The heat should be breaking tonight!  Yay!!!!!!

Hello Universe, I am listening.. finally

It’s a thinky post today!

Doesn’t it sometimes feel like things go around on the internet like the collective in Star Trek?  Lots of posts recently about accepting ourselves or giving up dieting or what have you.

As you know, I have been struggling a bit with body image the last few weeks.  The funny thing is that is coincided with me not weighing myself for this month as one of my goals.  I don’t know if that is coincidence, because I don’t weigh myself every day, or if it is just the turn a mind will take sometimes for whatever unknown reason.

I really have been seeing myself as bigger than I am.  Yes, I am 10 pounds heavier than I used to be, but that certainly is not 100 pounds heavier, and I have stayed right around this range (give or take 5 pounds) for the last year and a half.  Yet, I feel almost like I look like I did at 250, which I know isn’t true.

That is the weird part.  I don’t know where that feeling comes from.  Anyhoo, there has been just a little cavalcade of posts and articles the last few weeks that really have kind of fallen into my lap lately.  I am not one to believe in signs, destiny, fate or anything like that, but maybe I have just noticed these in particular because I really need to think about them.

Some of the posts that struck a cord with me lately.  These are little excerpts from the posts, but please mark them all to read in full.

Shauna –  “Anyway, there I was feeling like a stinking fraud and like nothing I wrote would ever be worthy until the day I could report, Hey folks, you can come back now. I’m normal again! I match the After photo!”

Cammy – “Here’s wishing us all a peaceful spirit and the strength to accept it. We really ARE worthy, just as we are right now”

Yoni Freedhoff (this is an old post, but I love it). ” Set your goal to do your best and never be discouraged if it’s not as good as someone else’s.”

And this one today, which just spoke volumes and volumes to me and I really loved it.  8 Ways to Capture & Keep Your “Body Peace”

Important points for me:

” If you can’t find a way to be happy in this moment, right now, regardless of your size, shape or weight, then you probably won’t feel happy 10, 20 or 30 lbs less.”   Totally true for me.  There is that fine line you walk between trying to improve because you want to and improve because you aren’t happy.

“Body esteem has NOTHING to do with actual hard numbers. You can find women who are 200+ lbs and who love every curve. It’s a state of MIND.”  It’s all about attitude.

“Is your physique the only thing you have to offer the world?”  Hell no!

Definitely read the rest of that one. It’s good.

I am just going to be me.  I am going to be happy with how I am right this minute, regardless of whether I ever get off 10 more pounds.  It doesn’t matter in the scheme of the world.  Sure, there are going to be people who judge me because people do, let’s face it, but their judgement of me has no value to me – and I need to not judge myself, either.

Fit Female stage 2 wrapup

 

I completely did not realize that I finished up Stage 2 of the Fit Female on Sunday!  I was checking to see when I would be done thinking it was next week, but I already did 4 weeks.  Dang that went by fast.  Just a refresher that these were alternating workouts 3 times a week.  I lifted on Tues/Thurs/ and either Sat or Sun (depending on biking).  Where it says 1a, 1b, 2a, 2b, etc., that means those exercises were done as supersets.  Here were the workouts and my improvements:

Stage A – I did this workout a total of 6 times

Exercise Set/rep/weight Week 1 Set/rep/weight Week 4
1a. Cable Wood Chop (high to low) 3 sets of 8 each side at 20#  3 sets of 8 each side at 30#
1b. Plank 3 sets of 60 second holds  3 sets of 80 second holds
2a. Dumbbell squat with offset load 3 sets of 8 with 15# DB  3 sets of 8 with 25# DB
2b. Alternating dumbbell overhead press 3 sets of 8 each arm with 10# DBs  3 sets of 8 each arm with 20# DBs!!
3a. Single-leg Bent Knee Deadlift (video) 3 sets of 8 with 20# DBs  3 sets of 8 with 20# DBs
3b. Assisted Chin Ups 3 sets of 8  3 sets of 8 with more resistance
4a. Alternating Lateral Lunge 3 sets of 8 each with 15# DBs (had to drop the weights during set 3)  3 sets of 8 with 15# DBs
4b. Two-point dumbbell row (video of me!) 3 sets of 8 each arm with 20# DB  3 sets of 8 each arm with 25# DB

I was very pleased with the overhead presses and getting up to using the 20# dumbbells for that one.  Maybe I can get to 25 someday without doing a push press!  I have to say that the single leg dumbbell deadlift was really hard.  I maxed out on what my left leg leg could do.  I didn’t want to go heavier on the right, so I don’t really know what I would have ended up at.  I also was pleased at holding the plank for 80 seconds at a time.  My core is feeling strong.

Stage B – I did this a total of 6 times

Exercise Set/rep/weight Week 1 Set/rep/weight Week 4
1a. Reverse Cable Wood Chop (low to high) 3 sets of 8 each side at 20#  3 sets of 8 at 20#
1b. Jackknife on stability ball 3 sets of 8 (without falling over…fail)  3 sets of 8 – no falling!
2a. Step Ups 3 sets of 8 each leg with 25# DBs  3 sets of 8 each leg with 30# DBs
2b. T Pushups 3 sets of 4 each side  3 sets of 4 each side, 1 set with 5# DBs
3a. Single-leg Squats 3 sets of 8 each leg  3 sets of 8 each leg
3b. Alternating lateral raise 3 sets of 8 each arm with 5# DBs  3 sets of 8 each arm with 13# DBs
4a. Reverse Row 3 sets of 8  3 sets of 8
4b. Supine Hip Extension to Leg Curl (SHELC) 3 sets of 8  3 sets of 8

I was happy with this group because of the T pushups.  I added dumbbells to them, but balance is quite hard with this, even using hex dumbbells. It hurts my palm, too.  I maxed out on the step ups with how much weight I can hold in my hands.  I can’t hold more than a 30# dumbbell in each hand without losing grip strength.  I messaged Rachel on Facebook and she told me to try using the squat cage and a barbell, so maybe next time.  I also got my lateral raise up to 13# dumbbells!  That is the heaviest I have ever done that move, so I was pretty happy about that.

Thoughts?  I feel much stronger.  I do not feel any thinner.  (I am not weighing myself right now). I think my clothes maybe are fitting a bit looser, but I just have been feeling large lately – major body image issues.  I haven’t liked my pictures lately, so I obviously have something mental going on right now that I need to figure out, whatever it is.

I might have to tweak the eating plan.  Rachel has steps to do for each stage with the eating, but to only change if you aren’t seeing results.  So, maybe that is next for me to try.

Tomorrow starts stage 3 and some old familiar moves for me – like the deadlift!

Accepting the mirror

Something I have been working very hard on of late is to accept me as I am.  I still struggle a lot with self image and expecting the perfect body to come along if I work hard enough.

I took this picture at the gym last week.  I shot from the side because I don’t see that view often and I was frowning in consternation at my legs and hips.

A couple years ago, I hit my lowest weight.  Then in the summer of 2009, I started training for the triathlon and did NROLW.  I gained about 10 pounds during that time and I have just never been able to shake it off again.  It’s not all muscle weight, either (how I wish it was!).  My body seems to have settled where it is and there are days that it really is hard for me to accept that.

It is very hard not to compare oneself to others.  It is also really hard not to compare to an earlier version of yourself.  The person that I am today is not the same person that I was 2 years ago, 10 years ago, or even last week!  I can only be the best that I can be with what I am willing to do.

I’ve been running across things on the net that have been making me think about this.  One was from Yoni Freedhoff

Instead, as I’ve been yammering on about for some time, set your goal to do your best and never be discouraged if it’s not as good as someone else’s. Sure So-And-So might be losing weight faster than you, but really, why does it matter?

We’ve all got a deck of cards in life. We can stack them, but we can’t swap them out.

Stack your deck as best you can, but don’t ever be discouraged if your deck isn’t as stacked as someone else – that’s just real life.

 

That also reminds me of a quote from Gary Taubes that I talked about before:

But there’s no guarantee that the leanest we can be will ever be as lean as we’d like. This is a reality to be faced.

 

And then there is another great post from Barbara at Refuse to Regain on the last 20 pounds:

Another issue with the final twenty is that the last pounds may be relatively unimportant.  As I’ve written in the past, it’s been my experience that people who were once overweight are “denser” after they lose.  By this I mean that they weigh more on the scale than they might expect at a given size.  They may look like a size 8 and fit in size 8 clothes, but still have a scale reading that they consider unacceptably high.  When we gain weight, our body is forced to create millions of new fat cells to accommodate the fat that fills them.  These cells look just like balloons and they swell when fat stuffs them.  They then get smaller when fat is released.  The question is whether these fat cells disappear after weight loss.  I believe that they don’t.  They may remain as emptied tissue that is left behind.  Perhaps the body will eventually resorb them and then again, it may not.  But that empty tissue weighs something and it’s my hypothesis that this is the reason that dieters often wind up being 20 pounds heavier than they think they should be.

(read that whole article, too – it is very good).

I just don’t think I have the total discipline to become lean and mean (or lean and nice for that matter). I like food too much.  Plus there are just genetics.  I don’t have slim hips or thighs.  I wasn’t designed that way.  I am not tall and willowy and no matter how much weight I lose, I never will be.

I do have biking thighs and lifting pecs – even though those pecs are supporting a couple of things that have seen the better side of 43  and a large weight loss  :mrgreen:

I am strong and that really matters to me.

We all must remember that we are the best we can be right this very minute.

More ride reflections and being small?

Thank you all for your wonderful comments on my ride yesterday!  I woke up feeling pretty much fine this morning, surprisingly.  I did take Tylenol PM last night and got a good night’s sleep.  I actually was about 2 parsecs away from going to the gym to do some lifting, but then I figured a rest day would probably do me better.

I do have to say that one thing about me that is sore would be my abs.  When you bike up hills, if you pull on the handlebars towards you, your legs can get more power.  Of course, doing that contracts the abs (try pulling something towards you that is immovable and you will see what I mean).  So, I think having my abs pulled in so much during that long climb is what made them sore today.  Anyone who thinks biking is only for the legs is sorely mistaken!

I was hungry for brekkie today.

I made cream of wheat banana custard style and topped with 1 tbsp of Nutella.  I wish I could have slathered it in Nutella, but dang that stuff is almost more caloric than PB! I felt like some crunch, so I did a little sprinkle of granola on there.

I got right to work.  I actually had 2 days off from work, as I took yesterday off.  That was weird LOL!  A whole weekend.  I kind of forgot what that feels like.

Lunch break contained some of my yogurt mash.

Not pictured is the half serving of straight up protein powder I had mixed with water.  I was hungry and needed a protein hit, so I just slugged that.  I was pretty protein deficient yesterday.

Since I haven’t talked enough about the ride yesterday, I do have some more musings.  I have to say that I was surprised at the caliber of the riders yesterday.  At least on the longer ride.  John said there were others that seemed less fit (for lack of a better term) doing the 15 mile ride.  I really didn’t see anyone else as we started before and ended after the shorter distance riders.

I was also a little surprised at how aching my legs were at the end of this ride.  I honestly do not think I could have biked another mile.  I think it is because I truly pushed myself just about to my limit as far as intensity goes.  This ride was much harder than our 100-mile ride – isn’t that weird?  Makes me think I could do a little more pushing on my own.

I doubt that I would do this next year.  More because of the fundraising aspect of it.  I was a little uncomfortable hitting people up for donations, and I didn’t want anyone to feel badly if they did not donate.  I know I can’t donate to everyone that asks. There are just too many causes and not enough money.  I would rather just pay an entry fee for a charitable race and be done with it.

I also still have problems with body perception.   I was feeling like the biggest rider there (some ultra lean people were riding). When I went to pick up my t-shirt, the person at the table pointed out “The smalls are over here”.  I thought “What?” Then I looked at the medium (which is better than me usually grabbing a large) and I was holding them up to me.  John told me to get the small, then another woman said “Get the small, you are a small.”

I still don’t think I am a small. Of course, part of that is from my biceps :mrgreen:

I did end up getting the small because I think the sizes ran big.  You can see me holding up the small in this post.  So, guess I still have work to do there.

For an afternoon snack, I had a pumpkin scone (recipe coming tomorrow) with my latte.

Geez, I love pumpkin.  I mentioned this on Facebook the other day, but I contacted a rep at Libby’s and was told that pumpkin should be in stock by the end of the month and there was not a shortage anticipated (but I suppose you never can tell about that).  Let’s all do that happy dance!

Dinner time!  Using up the tag end of some things.

Baked crab cake.  I use hot sauce like some people use ketchup.  The bottle is mostly gone and I know that I had 99% of it.  Ooops.

Without a workout today, I had an extra hour and a half or so today.  I actually got some house cleaning done for a change.  Rest days can be good things!

Wish me luck on the football game tonight.  John and I are tied so far and dinner for the week is riding on the Jets/Ravens game.  I picked the Ravens.

Snack for the game?

Warning – deep thoughts ahead.

Thank you so much for all of the birthday wishes via the blog, email, and facebook! I was overwhelmed at them all 😀

After the overload of food yesterday, we decided to forgo the bagel ( 😯 I know!) and eat at home. Today was such a rainy, drizzly day. I had the forethought last night to put some steel cut oats in some water to soak overnight, so they only took 10 minutes to cook this morning with a mashed banana in there.

Topped with cashew butter and chocolate fluff. Gonna need a sugar free day this week for sure.

Debated for a long time about whether or not to take a rest day today. I am planning a long solo bike ride on Monday because I have 1 more day off (yippee!).

I was going to show pictures of lunch, but it was the leftovers of last night’s dinner and while it tasted even better next day, it was not blog worthy picture wise.

Since it was rainy, it sounded like a good day to go out to coffee with our respective computers and wi-fi! That way I can play with my new netbook and get used to it before trying to work with it on Tuesday. I bought a little carrying case for it (so cute!) and we went to Panera bread.

I just got coffee because I brought one of my birthday cuppycakes to eat. (I really need a no sugar day this week…..).

We also looked at places and talked about a planned trip to Montreal sometime in July. Going to take our bikes 😀

During my internet browsing, I was reading an article on MSNBC, not sure if anyone else read this about regaining weight.

This statement stood out for me

“By some estimates, more than 80 percent of people who have lost weight regain all of it, or more, after two years.”

more for the reason that I am fast approaching a 2-year maintenance anniversary of 100 pounds.

Then this part:

“Researchers at the University of California at Los Angeles analyzed 31 long-term diet studies and found that about two-thirds of dieters regained more weight within four or five years than they initially lost.”

So what happens to me? Will I gain it all back and more? I get asked sometimes about what ‘clicked’ for me and how I know this is the last time. My answer is that I don’t know if it is the last time. I honestly don’t. I sure hope it is, but I know all too well how easy old patterns can be to fall back into if I let them. It’s not like losing the weight necessarily changed any of my hard wiring to eat or propensity to gain and hold on to fat (thank you genes…) There are those days were I am hanging on my the skin of my teeth not to really binge just for the sake of bingeing. There are days where I just eat too much for no other reason than I just want to and like food. I know that people hard wired to be thin don’t do stuff like that, or at least not to the degree that I can.

Is it maybe body image as well? Maybe if you see yourself as fat, you then self-sabotage yourself to become that? I still struggle with what I actually look like at times, even though I have been at a pretty stable weight for 2 years now. I was talking about that with John yesterday when I dragged him into a consignment shop (hey- my birthday, he had to do whatever I wanted!) I saw some pants, size 8 petite – my size. I almost didn’t try them on because I held them up and thought – “These won’t fit”. They did, though, and it’s hard enough to find 8 petite size, so I got both pairs :mrgreen: I said to John that I wondered how many size 8 pairs of pants do I have to own before I realize that yes, that is the size I wear currently.

I do know that I eat differently than I used to, and maybe that is more of a difference that matters. I eat more veggies (although I still need work in that department). I eat a lot less sugar and refined grains. We eat out less than we used to, and when we do, it isn’t they way we ate before (fried, sauced, and extra large).

(BTW, the irony of me writing the majority of this while at Panera and eating a cupcake is not lost on me….)

The other point in the article that miffed me a little was this:

If you decrease your body mass by 10 percent, you would expect your metabolic rate to decrease by 10 percent, but it actually slows down more than that, by about 11 to 15 percent.”

The reason that it miffs me is that I am finding it to be true. And the fact that I have lost about 40%… 40% of my body weight, what the heck has that done to my metabolism, even though I was never super low calorie. Not to mention just the fact that I am in my 40s now.

Only time will tell, I guess. I plan on being on the winning end of those statistics, though.

Anyhoo – the rain stopped, so we decided on a run after dinner.

Kind of a meat mishmash LOL. Chicken and cube steak just to get a whole serving. After letting that settle, we headed on to the track. Finished up 3 miles in 33:43. Getting a wee bit faster each time. It will take me a while before I get back to sub 30 minutes, though – but that is okay. I’m not in any rush.

Question: If you read that article, how does it make you feel?

7-miler and views of myself

After last night’s Reeses throwdown (which I lost), I knew I needed a little extra boost on the exercise front today.  Not to mention my football dinner 😀

I wanted to go at least 6 miles.  Had a Zone Fudge Graham bar to start with.  Bars and bagels really and truly are the best preworkout fuel, although yogurt smoothies come in a close 2nd.  I did a daisy loop around the house.  A newly mapped 2 mile run, which turned out to be way more hilly than I thought.  I was a little tired from that, probably because of yesterday’s workout.  I wound back to home, drank some H2O and did a 3 mile loop.  For whatever reason, around mile 4.5 I got an energy boost.  Back at home for more water and then another 2 mile loop.  7+ total today.  I didn’t wear my watch.  I have decided that on long runs where I have a set distance to go, I don’t want to know the time.  It’s depressing to look down and see 20 minutes and know that I have more than 45 minutes left, you know?  I figure I will be done when I am done.

In the spirit of Operation Beautiful – I am showing that I am beautiful when I am sweaty!

sweaty

Had super delicious oats when I returned.  John cooked up one of the pie pumpkins last night in the pressure cooker and here is some fresh pumpkin!

pumpkin

Take *that* Libby’s!!

Added to my oats with a tsp of brown sugar and cinnamon and topped with cranberry preserves.

freshoats

So fresh tasting and yummy!

I am trying to think of ways to organize my blog into more helpful posts other than just me blabbing on about food and fitness of my own.  I am not sure if 2 posts a day is better or just 1.  I don’t like to overwhelm readers and I am not sure if it is better to have 2 shorter posts or 1 really long one as I am doing currently.  Any thoughts on this?

Yesterday I was talking with John over breakfast about the view I have of myself.  I had looked through some old pictures the other day and it is so weird seeing myself at 250 pounds in photos.  I almost don’t recognize myself in them.  However, I also look at photos of me now and think “Do I really look like that?”.  When I see myself in the mirror or look down at my legs, I have that sort of mix of still feeling heavy, yet feeling smaller.  I don’t know if I can describe it and not sure if any of you get what I mean.  Maybe it’s a feeling that is magnified by how much weight one has lost.  I said something to John about being chubby, and he said I wasn’t chubby at all.  In fact he called me a healthy dynamo, which kind of made me laugh.  Makes me think of this:

spinningtaz2

John asked how long it would be before I saw myself as I really am, and I don’t know.  It’s like not seeing myself as an athlete, but I think I am a bit of one.  Certainly not of a professional caliber, but one nonetheless.  I really don’t know how to correct that way of thinking, either.  I don’t view myself in any negative light and actually tend to be kind of clinical in how I look at the areas that I think need improvement. Maybe that isn’t really a bad way to think, I don’t know.

I spent the majority of 40 years being overweight and maybe it will take 40 before I get used to seeing me as I am LOL!

Well – it was my football winning dinner tonight!  Decided on downtown Glens Falls and stopped at Prima.  Yum.  They normally aren’t open for dinner on Thursdays, but tonight was a special night.

I had a delicious panini made on artisan wheat bread, turkey, brie, sprouts, and cranberry chutney.  So good!

prima

After dinner we walked around downtown.  Prima was open because it was opening night of balloon fest weekend!  (Guess you know what kind of pictures are coming up in a day or so 😀  ).

b2

They let us walk inside this balloon.  Here is a view from the inside out!

insideb

That was fun!

PSA – Another first time triathlete coming up this weekend!  Give PubsGal some love!

I’m off to do a little more work and indulge in my guilty pleasure of Project Runway!

A little self-conscious today

Okay, maybe a lot self-conscious. In the photo a couple posts down – those are my new bike shorts. They are shorter than my old pair, and a bit tighter. I wear bike shorts while jogging to help with the ‘jiggle’ of loose skin.

Well, wore the bike shorts for the first time jogging (that exact outfit below is what I wear). I really felt a lot of jiggle tonight, which actually wouldn’t have bothered me, except for the 2 men that were standing on the track and yakking. They watched me go around, too – and I was really trying not to let it bother me, but it did. I just felt so blobby. And the shorts rode up a little bit for the first couple of laps, so might as well have been wearing a bathing suit while jogging! Got those straightened out, after the men left LOL. I really wish it didn’t bother me.

Funny, but another couple who walks around the track came by as I was in my final couple laps. I said ‘hi’ to them and continued jogging. It didn’t bother me near as much having them walk behind me as it did to have 2 unknown men watch me. I can’t figure out why.